FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

I have decided to take a break from my blog for the month of June. I offer you the following quotes from Eckhart Tolle's book Stillness Speaks to ponder and practice during this time.

"Look at a tree, a flower, a plant. Let your awareness rest upon it. How still they are, how deeply rooted in Being. Allow nature to teach you stillness."

"When you look at a tree and perceive its stillness, you become still yourself. You connect with it at a very deep level. You feel a oneness with whatever you perceive in and through stillness. Feeling the oneness of yourself with all things is true love."

Taking even brief moments throughout your day to practice this can relieve stress. It may take a while to give up thinking about the tree, flower, or plant; just observe without opinion or comment and be one with what you are observing. Enjoy the stillness for as long as time permits.

Check back in July for further posts. If you have questions or comments, please feel free to share them during the break.

STRESS EATING

Just as some people smoke or drink to cope with stress, many people resort to eating, often comfort and junk food. While each of these may help the person feel better in the short term they also carry negative long-term consequences (dependence and addiction, weight gain).

The first step in making any change is to become aware of the behavior when it occurs. One of the most effective tools for developing awareness is to keep a diary or log of everything you eat. Many will be surprised by the results since much eating behavior is done without conscious thought. Write down what you eat and when. Also record any emotions you feel at the time. Notice if you are truly hungry. Some people eat when they are bored, stressed, watch TV, or as a reward for getting through the day. The key in keeping this record is to identify the emotional need that is being met by eating.

Once you have identified the emotional need think of what else you could do to satisfy this need. It is difficult to give up eating without having alternative behaviors that can meet the same need.

Next would be to plan the specific action you intend to take instead of eating when the emotion arises. THE POWER TO CHANGE IS IN THE MOMENT BETWEEN AWARENESS OF THE NEED AND THE CONSCIOUS CHOICE MADE IN RESPONSE. It is a moment to moment choice. You will choose the new behavior at times and will most likely choose the eating behavior at other times. This is OK. Be kind to yourself as you make your new choices. Don't give up or beat yourself up for slipping unconsciously or consciously. Own your power to make a new choice in each new moment. Gradually you can change your behavior and build a new habit by increasing the frequency and consistency in making your new choices.

You may wish to have more than one alternate behavior. At times you may choose to take a walk; sometimes you may wish to get involved with some activity requiring mental concentration. I like to work puzzles. If needed, call and talk to someone.

Finally, it is important to acknowledge yourself for your success. Don't wait until the end. Give yourself some acknowledgment with each alternate positive choice. This may be some self talk with positive words, an actual physical pat on your back/shoulder, or doing something (other than eating) that makes you feel good.

Good luck! Please feel free to comment with your own successes or challenges. Sharing what works for you may indeed be what could help another.

GIVING CRITICISM

Last week I talked about dealing with criticism in such a way as to reduce a stressful reaction to it. As a follow up this week I thought I would offer some suggestions for giving criticism.

One step that is often helpful is to get the person's permission before giving criticism. People who don't want criticism aren't generally receptive anyway and may only end up resenting you for offering it.

The second step I suggest is to look at your intention for sharing the criticism or comment. Be sure your motive comes from a caring helpful place. I generally recommend withholding comments that are meant to hurt another or to seek revenge.

A third consideration in offering your criticism is to own your opinion or comments. This can be done by starting with the word "I" instead of "You". Some positive examples might include such words as "I have noticed . . .", "It seems to me . . . ", "I am wondering if you have considered . . . ", or "What some people have found that works really well is . . . ".

Lastly, I disagree with the approach of "sandwiching" a negative comment between two positive ones. There is a greater impact if each is offered separately in its own time, since many people are selective and hear only what they want to hear and ignore the rest.

DEALING WITH CRITICISM

Do you find yourself experiencing a stress response when receiving criticism from others? Most people do not like criticism, especially if it is unsolicited. I have found the following approach helpful in dealing with criticism.

The challenge is to not take criticism too personally. You may feel attacked by the criticism, which naturally evokes the response to defend yourself or attack back. The way out of this cycle is to take a deep breath and disengage from the attack-defense cycle. By offering no resistance you take away the fight.

Once you have controlled the emotional defense cycle, listen fully to what is being said to you. Ask questions for clarification so that you understand the other person's viewpoint. Next take time to reflect on the comments made and examine them for any possible truth. Try to be open. Then if you find any truth to what is being said decide for yourself if you might want to work on making a change in your behavior. If so go about taking the necessary steps to change. You may or may not wish to acknowledge this to the person making the criticism.

If you decide there is no real truth to the criticism, you can just let it roll off and do some work on letting it go. You may choose to acknowledge the person making the criticism by saying something like, "Thank you for sharing your opinion." This closes the conversation in a positive way.

Sometimes the process I described above takes time for consideration and action. Do not feel that you have to respond right away. You can respectfully say that you would like some time to consider what has been said.

Remember to maintain your boundaries when being criticized. Just because someone says something doesn't make it true; it may just be their opinion. Sometimes another person has a problem and tries to make it yours. If you are subject to verbal abuse and can't leave a situation, you can protect yourself mentally using imagery placing yourself in some peaceful safe place.

Granted the approach I have outlined takes some practice and is not always easy to do. Once again, the techniques I use are simple though not necessarily easy.

TOOLS FOR RELAXATION AND BALANCE

Though I do not cover them other than a brief mention in my book, the following deserve inclusion as tools for managing stress. Some of these require a significant commitment of time and/or money but when you can manage to take advantage of them they will assist you in stress reduction.

The first of these is meditation. There are many forms of meditation, which is why I don't cover them in my book. Instead I talk about mindfulness, quieting the mind, and relaxation all of which are a part of meditation but can be separated out into briefer techniques. Meditation is helpful in centering and balancing your life so that you can deal with stress more effectively.

A second tool useful for reducing stress is massage. There are many types and durations of massage. Besides the longer full body massage there are now therapists who are set up or come in to offer shorter more targeted massages, such as head, neck and shoulders.

Reiki is a full body hands-on treatment over a clothed person which works with a person's energy and is used for balance, healing and promotion of harmony. The end result is similar to a full body massage in its relaxation but this modality addresses the body, mind, and spirit. Reiki is most effective in a series of treatments.

Yoga, Tai Chi, and QiGong are disciplines incorporating movement with breathing to help an individual achieve inner peace, balance and centering. Regular participation is required for full benefit.

Aromatherapy has become popular and many find its effects to be quite soothing. Whether this be true aromatherapy using essentials oils to promote psychological and physical well-being or a more broad use of aromas (candles, reed diffusers and the like) to produce a pleasing ambiance may be a personal preference.

Last, but certainly not least, is the benefit of having an animal for a pet. Cats, dogs and horses are all used in healing therapy, offering calm unconditional love and acceptance.

OVERWHELM

It is so easy to get overwhelmed with the fast pace and multiple roles, expectations, and pressures of modern busy lifestyles. From overwhelm we may move into depression or non-action.

I find the single best technique for dealing with overwhelm is to break down a task into smaller achievable steps. Limit your focus to a manageable piece of the whole picture. One thing that frequently caused me to feel overwhelmed was the job of cleaning out my garage or all the stuff that accumulated and ended up in our study. The way I get through this kind of task is to take one box or one drawer at a time and clean it out. Cleaning out my desk drawer at work used to give me a boost of energy to go on to other tasks. A similar boost can also come from crossing tasks accomplished off of your "to do" list. While working on the small achievable tasks be careful not to get distracted by the larger task, which can take you right back to the feeling of overwhelm. Just like the 12-step programs with their emphasis on taking one day, hour, or even minute at a time, focus on the small immediate task at hand.

Another approach that can help significantly lift the feeling of overwhelm is to reduce clutter and maintain order and organization in your surroundings. If you need help to do this, enlist a friend's support or consider hiring someone who does this for a living. I have done both of these at various times in my life.

Examining priorities and lifestyle to identify areas that you can simplify or slow down the pace is also helpful in reducing overwhelm. I remember at one stage in my life repeatedly telling my husband "I have a million and one things to do". What I eventually realized was that my life was running me rather than me running and controlling my life. I learned to say "no" to nonessential tasks and requests.

Possibly my most favorite technique was to get up early, quiet my mind using music and brief meditation and then imagine the day's events going the way I would like them to go. It took me about a year to decide it was worth getting up early to do this, but I discovered this process allowed me to center myself, start the day off with confidence, and meet the challenges of the day more calmly.

ANXIETY

As with most situations, anxiety is most easily relieved if action is taken at the earliest onset. If you have frequent and significant anxiety it is suggested that you get professional help. On a simpler level anxiety can often be managed by deep breathing while thinking or saying silently the word "re-lax" and/or distraction.

HOW TO DO DEEP BREATHING

• Breathe in at a comfortable depth allowing your abdomen (stomach) to rise.
• Allow the breath to flow out naturally and comfortably.
• Repeat at a slow controlled rate for as long as needed.
• When possible close your eyes and sit or lie in a comfortable position.
• Think or say silently to yourself “RE” on breathing in and “LAX” on breathing out.
  


It may help to place your hand on your abdomen to feel the rise and fall of your stomach with your breath. To enhance the effectiveness and ease of breathing, especially in challenging situations, I recommend using the verbal cue "re-lax". As you breathe in say silently to yourself “re” and as you breathe out think “lax”. Continue to do this with each breath until you get the effect desired. The purpose of saying to yourself “re” and “lax” is to help you focus on the process in the presence of distractions, either external or internal (such as your thoughts). This can be done for a few breaths, a few minutes, or as long as needed or desired. In doing this you can get a nice slow rhythmic breathing pattern going while teaching your body to relax with the breath.

I have found this technique easy to learn and very effectively used by most people in many different situations. Examples of such situations include while waiting (at the doctor's office or the like) or during some procedure, test, public speaking and performing in front of others. I encourage people to teach children to use this technique to improve their test-taking and performing skills. I also encourage people to teach this simple technique to friends or anyone else who could benefit. I find it helpful to practice this technique regularly so that it will be more effective during those challenging situations.

Besides deep breathing with "re-lax" another useful technique commonly used to help deal with anxiety is distraction. The mind can only think of one thing at a time so you can involve yourself in some activity that occupies your mind on anything other than the anxiety-producing situation. If you find it impossible to get your mind off of the anxiety, substitute your thoughts with what you want to have happen in the situation rather than what you fear might happen.