SELF CARE: BOUNDARIES

Previously I talked about taking breaks as part of self care. Another aspect to examine in taking control of your life and caring for yourself as you would your own best friend is that of boundaries. Two areas for setting boundaries are time and space.

We generally learn boundaries from family or significant role models. People-pleasers may allow others to take advantage of them and may not have clear boundaries. People who have been abused, molested or denied their own space and belongings may have no sense of boundaries.

The first step is to become aware of your boundaries or lack thereof. What are the areas in which you feel others control or take advantage of you? Do others tell you what to do or not do? Do others use your belongings without permission? Do you have a say in matters that affect you? Do you have your own money to spend as you wish? Do others abuse you by doing or saying hurtful things?

Examples of setting boundaries on your time would include learning to say no when you are too busy or just don't want to do something another requests of you, learning to slow down and pace yourself, and asking for help when you need it. Setting a boundary on your space might involve taking a time-out to be by yourself or taking a break.

Once you identify any areas in which you wish to set clearer boundaries, it can be helpful to write down and practice making statements that let others know what boundaries you want them to respect. Practice saying such statements to yourself in the mirror or to a friend. By doing this you will find it easier to say in an actual situation. I had one client who just practiced saying "No" and was soon able to use it with a family member without feeling guilty. Other phrases that may be helpful include "When you____then I will ___" and "I need you to _____".

Boundaries tend to be a complex issue and you may wish to seek professional help or support in identifying and learning to set appropriate boundaries. This is especially true for anyone who has been abused or molested.